Specifically, I have decided I am a rain god.
Swollen black clouds are my shadow, following inescapable at every turn.
The sun is lost, shrouded and pale in my wake.
My sleeping breath is a fine mist, my waking exertions bring the downpour.
My footsteps are thunder, my knuckles crack and lightning strikes.
When I sigh in exasperation, the wind howls in response.
Alright, ok, enough. This is all very dramatic and interesting but let's be realistic. I'm not really a rain god. That would be silly. I just have a magical ability to summon rain accidentally and lamentably with my everyday actions. See, I'm not crazy, just observant. Every time I hang my socks up to dry, the thunderheads roll in. I plan a trip to a normally bright and sunny coastline? It's going to rain every damn day just because the gods favor me so. Ooh here's a good one: That little twisty circuit I walk through the grocery store? If I mapped that out it would be directions to the most potent rain dance of all time. Do not use lightly. If your garden is dry just shoot me an email, I don't even have to be there to help. I'll just park my wet ass truck at your place in the sun and leave the windows down to dry out the interior. Guaranteed: 3 inches of rain overnight, probably blowing sideways for good measure. And don't even get me started on campfires. If I lit a fire right now in the middle of Death Valley, there would be jet-skiers and wake-boarders pulling up in no time. You're welcome California. Drought is officially over: I have arrived.